Letter to Me, 20 Years From Now

 

Dear Jeanne,

 

I want you to know that I saw you. You felt like no one understood how you were slipping away, losing your joy, and desperately clinging to anything that might make you feel like yourself again. But I saw you.

 

At night, when you worried about the day the kids were grown and left the house, and you had to face the shell of yourself and figure out your new identity, I saw you.

 

I watched you carefully select and read 5-star reviewed parenting and self-help books, and then wonder why they work for everyone but you.

 

I know you felt like that was just another notch in your “I can’t do anything right” belt.

 

I watched you try therapy. I saw it help a little, but if I’m being honest, it was really just an expensive vent sesh, wasn’t it?

 

That money could have been way better spent and you were still just as angry as before.

 

So you turned to your doctor for help. Good for you for speaking up. For seeking expertise. But WHY was their answer always medications? But I saw you try it because you were so desperate to start feeling like yourself again and to finally stop feeling like such a chaotic mess.

 

But when the side effects were worse than your mood swings, I saw you quit the meds. You wanted to feel, not be numb.

 

Do you remember that moment of clarity when you kissed your daughter goodnight after spending the entire evening yelling at her over picking at her dinner? You were so full of guilt and shame, so fed up with failing to live up to your potential, and completely terrified of what would happen if you didn’t fix this.

 

I saw how scared you were of wasting time and money. Of trying something else that didn’t work. But I also saw how scared you were of the cost of doing nothing...of knowing that the longer you accepted this as your normal, the more you’d lose yourself and the connection with the people you loved.

 

And then I saw you reconnect with that strong woman you once were, and I watched you push past that fear.

 

I saw a glimmer of the Jeanne who did hard things, even WHEN you were scared...because the alternative was too empty.

 

And then I saw you take action. I watched you focus on how what was going on inside your body was manifesting itself into your moods. And I watched that translate into more control - of your life, of your mood, and of your energy - so that you could thrive in motherhood and find yourself again.

 

It’s funny to think that 20 years ago you were worried about the day you’d become an empty nester. That you were worried about having to face the fact that you didn’t know who you were. And now, you can barely even remember that exhausted, angry, overwhelmed mom who didn’t believe in herself and felt like she could never do anything right.

 

I mean seriously…can you even recall how much more energy, joy, and passion you discovered when you did that, or has that just been your new norm for so long that you can’t remember ever being any different?

 

I am so proud of you. I hope that you’ll have the strength and courage to continually redefine yourself as you flow through life.

 

Love,

Jeanne